Thedebateoverwhetherhardworkistheonlyreasonforsuccesshasbeenragingforquiteafewyearsinmycountry.Manyholdtheideathatluckalsoisanimportantreason（老是用reason,老师会打瞌睡的,何妨试一试agent,element?词汇多变是取胜之有效手段）forsuccessclaimthatlucksometimescanhelpustoavoidtroubles.Althoughthispointofviewembracessomevalidpoint（表达同一个意思用同一个词汇,显得很干瘪,嚼之无味啊,倒不如这样写,thisviewpointembracessomeseemingly（加强这种观点站不住脚的嫌疑）validelement,或者segment）,Iinsistthatitisthehardwork（这是一个强调句,如果用了becauseofhardwork,真正的主语hardwork就被架空了,也就是这个j句子没有真正的主语,这是扣分的要害之处,想用高级语法,又用错了,很让那些老师痛恨的,画虎不成反类犬……）thatmakespeoplebecomesuccessfulfromtheaspectoftheimprovementoftheskills(连续用of,很难看,换成skills‘improvement)andtheenrichmentoftheconfidence. 　　Theprimaryreasonisthathardworkisableto（不妨把isableto换成enables,）increasetheabilityofourown（theabilityofourown就是ourownability了,简单明了）whichisimportant（一直用important,且用很多次,显得你词汇不丰富,很吃亏的哦,crucial,imperative,momentous,principal）forustosuccess（success是名词,这里不定式应该接一个动词吧,succeed）.Forinstance,becauseof（becauseof已经落伍了,用onaccountof）thehardwork,LiNa,thefamousChinesetennisplayer,becamethechampions（champion只有一个,怎么能用s呢,引起歧义,）of(介词用错了,应该是in)alotof(alotof实在太平民化了,换个高级点的amultitudeof)games.Becauseofthehardwork(我看得出来,你连用两个becauseof是为了加强语气,但是阅卷老师未必能体会你对李娜的赞许,换成这样,Andmerelyforthisreason,不仅能让老师一眼看出来你想表达的意思,而且还能有效避免连用两个becauseof所体现出来的词汇量不丰富的尴尬),shecanlargelyincrease（换成enhance,reinforce）theabilityofplayingtennissothatitis（加一个far,或者much,加强语气）easierforhertobeat（defeat击败,beat击打）others.Otherwise,ifshejustreliedontheluck,shewouldnothaveenoughabilitytosucceedforsomanytimes.（刚才用了ability,这里又来?不妙啊,换个说法吧,Otherwise,ifshejustreliedmoreontheso-called(so-called,带有贬义,用在这里再合适不过了)luck,themomentwhenshewontheFranceopenwillcomefairlylate） 　　Itconstitutesanotherreasonformypointofviewthathardworkcanhelpustobecomemoreconfident.Likeforme(恕我孤弱寡闻,没有见过这个词汇,应该是asforme),afterplayingping-pongforabout6years,itiseasierformetowinthegamesintheschool.Itis6year'shardworkthatmakesmebecomesoconfidentwhichcanalwayshelpme（helpsbdosth）success（succeed）.Hard-workingcangiveustheenergytobelieveinourselves,whileluckcannot. 　　Admittedly,luckcansometimeshelpustogetoutoftrouble.However,wecannotgettheluckeverytime.Thesuccesswhichgetsbecauseoftheluckisnottherealsuccess.Afterworkingformonthsandtryingforyears,suchsuccessdoesbelongtoourown. 　　Tosumup,fromtheevidencementionedabove（evidencementionedabove不就是aforementionedevidence的大众版么?换一个高级一点的就不同了）resultsthenaturalsummarythatdespitethechancesofsometimeswork,luckhasnothingtodowith（换成hasnobearingon也不错啊）therealsuccess.Therefore,itisthehardworkthatisthekeyofthesuccess.（你用了好几次强调句itis……that……了,当一篇文章中,相同的词汇,相同的句式,相同的表达法出现之后,后果很严重…………thekeyofsuccessresideinhardworkindeed!） 　　点评：词汇不是很丰富,句式不是很灵活（通篇都是ability,capacity,capabilities表示意见很大啊……becauseof用了好几次,那个强调句也用了三次）,估计能得到60%的分数（恕我直言啊）,要想的高分,要用高级一点的词汇（alotof,many,expert,begoodat之类的就免了）,还要懂得如何灵活变换句式,变换表达法,当你做到这些之后,你的分数不低（虽然我没有考过托福,但请你原谅,你这篇文章仅仅是一篇四六级中下游的文章……）