你似乎重问这度题,我已在你前一度答了你,但还是在这儿再答多一次你. 　　Inthecontemporarysociety,withtherapidincreaseofsciencetechnologyandtheadvancementofhumanbeing`slivingstandardthatagreatnumberofhi-techshave(要加been)invented(,which之前一定要加一个逗号)which(caused改为arecausing)thechildren(can改为to)playwiththemratherthando(the改为thier)housework(,so句子已完整,用句号,新句子开头,so要大写So要大写.So)manyparentswanttheirchildrentodosomethingattheexpenseofmoney.Whenitcomestothisissue(加,which)othersholdtheopinionthatdotheworkwithoutpayingasavaluableworkexperiencecanenhancetheirresponsibility.Asforme,Istronglysidewiththeformeronewhichcan(keep改为let)thechildrenknowthatworkingisthekeytosuccess. 　　Manyexampleshaveprovedthatahostofsuccessfulbusinessmen(whentheywereyoung,theyhaddonemoreorlessjobsformoney这段要掉转来写而且要去掉第二个they:haddonemoreorlessjobsformoneywhentheywereyoung.)after(After)that,theybecamemoreenterprisingindustriousandambitious,forthesefactorsfacilitatedtheiraccomplishmentsinthefulture.Therefore,insomecountries(,)parentsencouragedtheirchildrentoearnmoneywhentheywere(去掉even或改为very)young.Anotherreason,(theyoungguys改为youngpeople)havestrong(curiousness好奇心是:curiosity,which)contribute(s)tothatitisnoteasytoestablishtheirresponsibilit(y)(ies).Nevertheless,motivatingthemtoworkissurelyanexcellentchoice. 　　Somewhatimportantly,duringtheearningperiod,theycanalsogetthevaluableworkexperienceand(加understandabout)theresponsibilit(y)(ies),inotherwords,thedifferencebetweenpayingworkandunpayingworkisthe“initiative”,andthechildrenwillbemoreinitiativetoworkwhichcouldgivethembenefits,whiletheinitiativecanabsolutelycausethe(force改为effectsofmotivation). 　　Insummary,donotonlybelievethattheexperienceandresponsibilityarealwaysthefirst,toward(s)thissituation,wemaychangeourmethodsoften(be改为,whichhavebeen)usedbefore,toletthechildrenthemselvesrealizedthehappinessandachievementfromtheirhardworking. 　　文章结构甚好,很有内容,我已替你依次序更正好了一些小错,希望会对你有帮助,并祝你学业进步!