Whenaskedaboutcollegestudentsshouldlivealoneorlivewithroommates,differentstudentswillhavedifferentpreferences.Somestudentschoosetolivealone,whileotherswouldratherlivewithroommates.（用while的时候尽量保持两个句子的时态一致,因为while有隐含的同时发生的意思,但这是个小问题） 　　Thosestudentswhomaketheformerchoicebelieve（书面语中最好不要省略that,因为要引导句子）livingalonecanmakethemenjoymorepeaceandquiet.（没有错误但是有些拗口,can,make这样的动词范围太大,适当换成更为精致的动词）Besides,theyargue（that）,undersuchpeacefulconditions,theycanfocustheirattentionontheirownstudyeasily,learning（与前后动词保持平行用learn）efficientlyandgainmoreknowledge.However,stillotherstudentschoosetolivewithroommates.Fromtheirperspectives,collegecareerincludesnotonlylearningbutalsohowtocopewithotherpeople.（英语讲求美的平行,notonly..butalso...后面接平行的形式会使句子更为漂亮,如notonlyhowto...butalsohowto...）Inaddition,they（这个代词指代得也太远了～直接用名词更好）holdthepointthatlivingwithroommatesisconvenientforthem（指代不清楚,有指代roommates的歧义）tomakefriendswitheachother.（用otherclassmates更清晰） 　　Astome,IaminclinedtolivewithroommatessinceIamnotgoodatfittinginwithotherpeersanddormlifemaybenefitme.Furthermore,IcangetimmediatehelpfromstudentsaroundmewhenIalonecannothandleamatter（alone放到句末）.Giventhesefactors,IthinkI’dbetterlivewithroommates. 　　很大的问题没有.如果是四级的话应该是还可以的吧.个人觉得代词用得太多,使得中间部分很模糊,说了那么多他们他们他们,谁知道指的是什么呢?能用名词的时候尽量用名词要显得清楚简洁得多.恩.